Hello everyone, been quite a while, hasn’t it? Since my last post I’ve been a little busy, truth be told I’ve just been pretty lazy to come back on tumblr and type up a new entry. That being said though, it’s past 4 in the morning, I’m getting increasingly tired and yet there are some things on my mind which need to get out before I sleep tonight.
As far as my anxiety goes, it has been very manageable the last few months. My panic attacks are very few and far between. I still do have my moments when I drive somewhere outside of my ‘safe zone’ or if I’m in a crowded store, but I’m slowly learning to bite the bullet, do what needs to be done, and congratulate myself afterwards.
My biggest problem right now though is my future. I’m constantly worrying day to day about what’s going to happen 5 years from now. Where will I be? What will I be doing? And most importantly, Will I be happy? It’s these thoughts that plague my mind on a daily basis, and make it hard to concentrate on the task at hand. I feel so detached, so hazy from everything around me. Perhaps I’m spending too much time on the computer, I really will never know for sure.
I was always regarded as the smart kid in school, and at home. I was a huge math and science whiz, doing algebra and calculus in my spare time, and thinking up wild experiments before going to sleep at night. I came to realize today that those qualities of me are fading away fast. I don’t know if it’s just a part of growing up and I should have to just deal with it, or if it’s because of my depression, and because of my lack of motivation and the fact that I spend day in and day out in front of my computer, focusing my attention to many different things at once, but for no longer than a few minutes.
Yes, perhaps the internet in general has ruined my attention span, making me incapable of keeping focus on the tasks at hand. This will be noted, something I need to start changing. Getting out more, getting away from my computer more.
However, that’s a bit hard when most of your talents, and the sole area of your income for the last 9 months has been coming from. This is where I would like to dwell to next. The last few months I’ve gotten a couple different clients, seen my small company start looking like it’s going to take off, and saw a glimpse of profit. I can’t relish in that accomplishment though. I’m always thinking about the future, about getting more and more customers and if this is really what I should be doing.
You’re making money though, I tell myself. You have a shot at this, you’re good at it, if you just put half as much attention into this than you do on your silly social websites all day then you would be making a killing. I know, I know. But damn, my focus and my motivation is just thrown completely off. I worry if I’m wasting my time, if this is really what I should be doing. I’ve picked up a website project and a game design project of my own, something to do in my free time and potentially generate some profit if either get popular. However I’m just kidding myself. I know that in the end I’m more likely to stop half-way through it blaming my lack of motivation on the fact that this won’t be what I want it to, and leave it at that.
As I type this I can’t believe that this is what I do, am I crazy? Starting tomorrow, I need to focus. I need to stop spending so much time on websites that do nothing productive. If I keep doing what I do everyday, I’m going to be in the exact same place in the future that I am now. More focus, more attention. Less depression and less feeling sorry for myself. I need to start finishing things, I need to start pushing my business and pushing myself. Motivation needs to come from within me, I need to stop relying on others to motivate me. I want to, I need to prove to my family and my friends that I can do this. That I can make them proud, and start getting my life on track.
I’ve said this how many times in this blog? Tons. This needs to start happening though, I’ve procrastinated way too much, I need to start now. Before I know it, 10 years could pass.